“When all is said and done, where does the love go?”

Lyrics from current iRadio hit “Thunderclouds” by LSD, but words that may resonate with those who are going through the tough process of a break up at the moment.

When we go through heartbreak, we can often find ourselves in a bad spot and our confidence can be floored. It can be an internal battle of wanting, so badly, to feel a particular way, but being torn another.

We need to shed skin, reassess, find ourselves, and grow some new skin.

But when we’re in a bad place, is there particular things we can do to make ourselves feel any better?

Martina Breen is the director of the Dancing Soul. She’salso a psychotherapist, trainer and a spiritual director who has some tips for iRadio.ie readers who may be having a tough time at the moment.

“If you’ve left someone into your heart and they’ve left, or they’re not there anymore, your heart IS going to ache”, she begins.

“How can you mind yourself through it rather than get over it? I think one of the most important things is to accept that yeah, I’m hurting”.

If you lost someone who you really cared for, you’re going to feel a huge loss. Martina says you’ll go through the same stages that someone would go through if there has been a death in their life.

“It’s a death in your heart”, she tells me. “You’ll go through the stages of anger, denial, bargaining, depression, anxiety, then reconstructing yourself and then acceptance. That’s not linear, it can go anywhere at all”

“Unconsciously, we have expectations when we’re in a relationship with someone. You might not have spoken about it, or you might not have admitted it, but unconsciously you start planning. They become part of your future, even if your future hasn’t yet arrived. So it’s not just the present day that’s affected, and that’s what brings on the negative feelings – it’s the persons future that’s affected, or their potential future”.

Martina says it’s important to awknowledge what is, rather than trying to pretend what’s not;

“Nothing is ridiculous when it comes to feelings. If you’re feeling heartbroken, you’re feeling heartbroken. Where can you go and get help and support about it? Lean on friends and find somebody professional that they can go and talk to if it’s not going away.”

Martina thinks that everybody should have a therapist. “Therapists have therapists”, she says. “That’s because it’s one hour in the week that it’s your time, your space. It’s not about you being told what to do and it’s not about anybody else fixing it and when it comes to a relationship, nobody can fix it except the two people involved.”

She also recommends journalling. This involves writing down your stream of consciousness by bringing a journal to bed and jotting down your thoughts. She encourages us to not even turn on the light for this and to allow our thoughts, no matter how detailed or vague, to drizzle onto the page.

“Time is the greatest healer. You can’t rush loss, you can’t rush grief. It takes time. You’re not supporting yourself by jumping straight into another relationship because whatever was the issue in the relationship you’ve left, the only common denominator you’re bringing with you is you. You’re gonna bring your problems and you’re gonna bring whatever is going on in your head wth you. It would be really worthwhile to clear out all the stuff first and then, consciously, go into another relationship if you choose.”

Martina says that when the door of loss is opened, it can bring up other losses you’ve felt in your life, which can be very traumatic.

“The loss of a teddybear, a soother, your grandmother – they’re all stored in this psychological room. When we hit a loss in our adult life, it opens up that door and they all come tumbling out. People can think ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why aren’t I able to get over this?’. But, they’re not just getting over that, they’re getting over all of the other losses from before too.”

“Talk it out, walk it out, write it out. Be gentle with yourself.”

“We need to learn to love and have compassion with ourselves, especially when we’re hurting. This makes it easier to get through to the other side”

Martina also notes that the time will come when you can feel a fight within yourself, and recognises that this can be a brilliant opportunity to reinvent yourself too.

Need help now? Click here for a full list of helplines and services that are available to you.

Find out more about Martina, her work and the Dancing Soul here.

WHILE YOU’RE HERE… With the clocks about to go back, here’s 6 ways to beat the winter blues